he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This is classic penis vs brain.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
