we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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