Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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