Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
