pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
