i wish my penis had a tongue
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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