Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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