My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize