Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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