I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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