she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
