if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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