so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize