Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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