I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize