you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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