I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
