YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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