Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
