Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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