Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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