Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
