Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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