my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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