So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
