I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
