DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
