turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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