Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize