I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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