I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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