Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize