I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
