you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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