the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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