If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
