She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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