Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
