Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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