I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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