mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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