Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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