How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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