bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
