Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
