All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
