I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm too high and old for this...
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