I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
