I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I look better un-naked...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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