thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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