The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
