can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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