There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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