Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
