smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
