I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
