I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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