How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
