Acid is not a monday night drug
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
