oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
