got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
