THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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