Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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