I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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