I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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