"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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